Love or Marriage: Which Comes First?

Love or Marriage: Which Comes First?

Posted by Pastor Dave on November 24th, 2011 | 0 Comments

I am reading a wonderful biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor who stood against the Third Reich during WWII, and was executed on April 9, 1945, mere weeks before the end of the war, for his part in several failed plots to assassinate Hitler.

Bonhoeffer was a careful thinker and a gracious pastor. Last night I read this statement by him on love and marriage:

Marriage is not held together by love. Rather love is held together by marriage.

Is he right? It's a reversal of the way we normally think, is it not? Love, then marriage. Love fuels marriage. When the "feeling's gone" the marriage is over.

My take on Bonheoffer’s statement? The answer is "yes."

A critical term for "love" in the New Testament is agape. We know it well. It is one of four different words for love in the New Testament, and it has everything to do with commitment and choice. It often translates the Old Testament word hesed which means loyalty to covenant, or a choice to be merciful and kind. It was God's hesed that kept him loyal and loving toward his wayward people Israel. In the New Testament God so "loved (agape) the world [in all its sin and waywardness], that he gave his unique Son." Jesus even said that we are to agape our enemies! It is all about a choice to remain committed, to act in mercy, grace, forgiveness, and in a way that serves the best interests of the other person.

And so, marriage. Husbands are told to "love your wives as Christ loved the church" (Eph. 5:25). Older women are to "train the younger women to love their husbands" (Titus 2:4). The word in both these statements is agape.

So, what fuels what?

Lorraine and I have been married for 37 years. Were/are the "feelings" of romance and love always there? Perhaps not. But in 1974 we made a vow. We made a marriage covenant with each other. She has made it very easy for me to agape her in that covenant. I am not so sure I've made it easy for her. But our marriage endures, and more than that, flourishes. And it is full of agape (along with the other words for love!).

Perhaps we have a bit of a chicken and egg scenario here. We "fall in love," and then get married. However, that "falling in love" morphs over the years, and all too often we mistake it for the end of the marriage.

Bonhoeffer, a careful thinker, and gracious pastor, was right, and was rooted solidly in Scripture when he said, "Marriage is not held together by love. Rather, love is held together by marriage." He wrote those words in 1944. We need to hear them almost seven decades later.

Tags: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, agape love, marriage, covenant, commitment, loyalty, romance